SOCIETAL VIBZ - HOW TO KEEP YOUR MAN IN THE BEDROOM

Women who do these things turns us off - most men
By Eagle

Studies have been done over the years on how men can satisfy women in bed. Few care about the man and how he too wants his sex served. Coastal communities have tried and some Baganda across the border to have their ways of ensuring their men practice ‘zero grazing,’ but it has been assumed that the mere thought of having a romp is foreplay enough for the man!

The Nairobian explored this subject and interviewed men on what they don’t want their women to do in the bedroom during a session of huffing and puffing (and sometimes during a cancer stick break).

Let's get the show on the road, shall we?

Miss Dracula, don’t bite, please

Oral sex has become part of bedroom antics. Some men love it, but most dread it due to that not so small matter of having had a session with Miss Dracula. “Her canines were so sharp, it felt like ‘Long John Silver’ was being placed in between a meat grinder. The pain was too much. I had to tell her to stop,” Eric Mukira, an accountant told The Nairobian.Chick, those ‘nuts’ are sensitive. Women have this misplaced belief that if they pull with their nails at the double nuts, the ‘rapture’ will be accelerated at the speed of light.Yet, the twin balls, and for which there are no spare parts, are very sensitive and should be given the same treatment accorded a cow’s tits during milking with Arimis jelly!

Clueless lasses

Men like it when their women are part of the process. It gives them a good feeling when sane suggestions, the kind the Pope can approve of, are floated as few things please a jamaa more than knowing the woman is having fun, without agreeing to anything and everything like one who has been hypnotized by a voodoo high priest from Haiti.

'Kufa mende' chicks

Just like the clueless women, men dread it when a woman is in spreadsheet mode, dead like a fish on the cold shores of Winam Gulf. They are called the kufa mende women, as their posture not unlike that of a dead kombamwiko, even though her big brown eyes (which have seen plenty in Githurai 45) are wide open.

Leave my ‘udongo’ alone

Some men are tickled silly, aroused even when a woman finger plays around his udongo, but please, remain on the surface as it’s not a well-digging project you’re embarking on. What if the long fingernail with chipped polish breaks inside?